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What do you think is the most attractive trait a man could have? I asked my brother this question to get a male opinion, and he thought for a moment and said, “Someone who’s tall?” That’s when I knew I had to write this article, for all you guys out there who might have really erroneous ideas about what women actually want.

Because if you’re anything like my brother, you might honestly think being tall is really important. Or having large biceps. Or being rich. Or, preferably, having a combination of all three. And who can blame you? After all, that’s been the message Hollywood and social media have been sending for decades: If you’re not rich (or at least conventionally attractive), you’re not worth dating. Turns out, glamour muscles and a chiseled jaw might be nice to look at, but when it comes to what women actually want in a long-term partner, it’s a lot less shallow than that.

Research found most women agree the most attractive trait in a man doesn’t have anything to do with looks.

Hollywood and social media have done a horrible job of understanding what women generally value most in relationships, because according to research, the most attractive trait in a man is kindness. 

Edward Eyer | Pexels

Now, I’m not denying that some women won’t give you the time of day unless you’re rich, jacked, and conventionally attractive. But between you and me? I think you should avoid those kinds of women like the … well, like the plague, if you’ll forgive the term. Why should you avoid those kinds of women, you ask? Because they’re not interested in you. They’re interested in themselves. They’re interested in having a trophy, not a relationship. But back to the point.

If I had a dollar for every dating profile I’ve seen where the guy is clearly trying to give the impression that he’s tall, muscular, and owns a private island in the Caribbean, I could retire in comfort right now. In all seriousness, though, from what I’ve seen, most men clearly don’t understand what women actually look for. And of course, that often leads to a lot of unnecessary confusion when dates don’t go well for no apparent reason.

Being a woman, it’s high time women talked about what we look for in relationships, as opposed to what men think we look for. So what is it? What matters to us most? What’s the one thing that makes us think, “I can see a future with this guy” as opposed to “I can’t wait to never see him again?”

: The #1 Dating Complaint Women Secretly Share With Each Other, According To Experts

90% of women worldwide agreed that kindness is the most attractive trait in a man.

A survey, commissioned by menstrual cycle tracking app Clue, and conducted with the help of researcher Tanja Gerlach at the University of Göttingen and MyONE Condoms, included more than 68,000 people from 180 countries. The goal: conduct the largest and most comprehensive study on what women are actually attracted to when it comes to a partner.

A whopping 88.9% of women, from all backgrounds, nationalities, and walks of life, said they value kindness more than anything else. Are you surprised? If you are, you might be even more surprised by this finding: In the same study, almost 45% of the women said they prefer men with average or “dad bods” over extremely muscular men. In fact, only 2.5% of the women surveyed said they favor very muscular partners.

So what’s the takeaway? If you’re looking for a serious relationship, by all means, get ripped if you want to. But there’s no need to spend forty hours a day at the gym just to attract a partner. If this study is any indicator, it might actually work against you.

When it comes to love, looks don’t hold a candle to character.

As a woman, I’m not surprised that other women also value kindness highly. Even though I’ve dated guys who were good-looking, I didn’t date them for their looks. I dated them for what I saw on the inside: kindness, generosity, empathy, etc. Now, their looks were a nice addition, don’t get me wrong. But when life gets tough, the way someone looks on the outside becomes completely insignificant compared to the type of person they are on the inside.

Katerina Holmes | Pexels

For example, the day I got sick back in undergrad and couldn’t even drag myself to class, the last thing on my mind was whether or not my boyfriend had a chiseled jawline. Or whether he had bulging muscles. And, you guessed it, I didn’t care how much was in his Roth IRA, either.

Do you know what meant the world to me, though? The fact that he dropped everything and took care of me when I could barely take care of myself. The fact that he was always there for me is what made all the difference.

His kindness is what made all the difference. Ultimately, that’s what really mattered to me. It mattered then, and it matters now. Tens of thousands of women from just one study overwhelmingly ranked kindness as the most important thing they look for in a guy. Remember that when you don’t think you’re good-looking enough or out of someone’s league.

: What The World’s Most Scientifically Handsome Man Looks Like

It’s time to prioritize getting to know potential dates, instead of simply swiping on a dating app.

Is attraction important in romantic relationships? Of course! But that initial attraction can either grow or wane rapidly based on a person’s character. Social psychology expert Madeleine A. Fugère, Ph.D., explained to Brides, “Primarily, most people are first influenced by someone’s physical attractiveness and then can become more or less attracted to someone over time depending on other factors, such as similarity, personality, and reciprocal interest.”

Research from 2015 backs this up. Commonly described as slow love or slow-burn romance, the idea is that getting to know someone can make them more or less attractive based on who they are on the inside. We’ve likely all experienced this, too. Haven’t you had that moment where suddenly someone who you considered “just a friend” looks at you and you get butterflies? 

Sadly, dating apps and swiping have made the getting-to-know-you piece of attraction almost obsolete. We’re reducing people to how they look in a photo on our phones rather than taking in their charisma, and even the art of the flirt. These were all easier to determine when we actually met people in person. 

The reality is that looks fade, no matter who you are. Even the best plastic surgeons and all the money in the world won’t be able to keep you looking twenty-five at eighty. So what can stay the same? A person’s heart. The way they treat themselves, you, and the person who just cut into their lane when they’re already running late. That’s what actually matters.

Dr Virginia J. Vitzthum, Kinsey Institute Senior Scientist, Clue Director of Scientific Research, and Professor of Anthropology at Indiana University, explained it best: “Kindness is rather like gravity, essential but little noticed until it’s gone. Given today’s emphasis on looks and wealth, it may surprise you that kindness is a top desirable trait across the world.  But kindness is key to the human capacity for forming the long-term social bonds so essential to our evolution. Without those bonds, and kindness to help us get through the inevitable rough patches, we wouldn’t have survived and flourished.”

Ultimately, remember this: You don’t need abs or a fortune in the bank to attract a great partner. If you’re a kind, loving person, think of this study and remind yourself that there are plenty of women out there who are hoping and praying that one day, they’ll meet someone like you. And for goodness’ sake, stop lying about your height!

: Survey Shows A Majority Of Gen Z Women Won’t Date A Man Unless He’s Willing To Do This Once Taboo Thing

Luba Sigaud is a writer who has been featured in Illumination Curated, Medium, The Good Men Project, Plazm, and more.