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Friends are some of the most important relationships you can have in life, especially your very best friend. Not only are they a source of support and care, but they are also some of the greatest secret keepers. What happens when you or your bestie couple up, however? Are those secrets somehow fair game for their partner to hear as well? One man turned to Reddit for advice after finding himself in that exact scenario. He is of the mindset that all secrets, including those told between friends, shouldn’t be kept from spouses.

In fact, the man told his best friend of 25 years that when it comes to wives, there is no bro code and “if you can’t say something in front of your wife then you … shouldn’t be saying it.” But he’s suddenly having doubts because his best buddy got upset after he told him that anything he confides will undoubtedly be repeated to his wife. This obviously begs the question: Is it okay to keep your friend’s secrets from your spouse, and should you?

A man asked if he was wrong for telling his wife all of his best friend’s secrets.

BearFotos | Shutterstock

“My friend and I have been friends for twenty-five years,” he wrote. The man explained that they know each other well and that both are married. Still, he noted that this friend, while important to him, often makes comments about women that he doesn’t appreciate. The friend usually excuses it by saying it’s just “bro code.”

The man said he has been clear many times that he doesn’t believe in the secrecy. “If you can’t say something in front of your wife,” he wrote, “then you either shouldn’t be saying it, you need to work on your communication, or you’re not as compatible as you thought.”

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The man’s friend and the rest of his friend group are upset with him.

He went on to say that beyond any bro code, he follows his own moral code. But recently things took a turn. His friend approached him, saying he had something important to share, but that it needed to stay a secret. The man made it clear right away that anything he knew, he would tell his wife.

One important detail he added is that his friend knows his wife. They’ve known each other for nearly twenty years and are friends separate from him. To him, that makes the situation even harder to justify. It’s already difficult to ask someone to hide something from their partner, but it’s even worse when the partner is also a longtime friend of the secret-holder.

The man wrote, “There’s nothing I don’t tell my wife. Same for her. We both believe communication and openness are the key to a happy relationship, and we are pretty [expletive] happy. We basically never argue or disagree and both of us know each other down to the core.”

After looking to confide in his buddy and then realizing he didn’t have a true confidante, even though it’s been that way for a long time, he got upset with the man. He then took it a step further. He reached out to all of their mutual friends and asked whether they would share a secret with their wives. Every single one sided with him. 

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It’s natural to tell secrets to your spouse, but it’s also perfectly acceptable to keep your friend’s confidence.

Reddit’s verdict was clear: most agreed the man was in the wrong. One commenter pointed out that he was misunderstanding the idea of bro code. It’s more like “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” rather than an excuse for hiding things from a spouse. In other words, if someone shares a deeply personal secret, keeping it private is not bro code; it’s simply common decency.

Another perspective is that the weight of a secret is also in the hands of the one telling it. Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, a licensed counselor, explained that “it is really up to the secret-holder to manage the revelation of their confidences. If we can’t trust a friend to maintain our confidences, then we need to refrain from communicating confidential information or personal secrets.”

Here’s the thing: when friends are chatting, it’s perfectly reasonable for them to assume, as Kate Stewart, a psychotherapist and dating coach, told Refinery29, that there is no expectation of privacy between spouses; however, if your friend specifically tells you to refrain from sharing, you should. Obviously, the juicier the secret, the harder it is to keep, but friends need to trust each other, and that makes keeping that secret even more important.

This relationship is a little bit different in that the friend has never given the impression that he isn’t telling his wife everything, and that means the onus is on the secret holder to keep that information from his friend if he doesn’t want the wife to know. What the man needs to realize, however, is that it will inevitably hurt their friendship, so it’s something he’ll have to simply deal with should there ever be a rift.

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Matt Machado is a writer studying journalism at the University of Central Florida. He covers relationships, psychology, celebrities, pop culture, and human interest topics.