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It’s normal in times of struggle to turn to family and friends for help, but there are some times when being there for those nearest and dearest to you may not be the best idea. A survey commissioned by JG Wentworth found that there’s one specific behavior that’s really kind in theory, but can greatly strain your relationships.

We all like to think that kindness makes our relationships stronger. Giving someone a ride, paying for their lunch, or bringing them a gift are small acts that show the care and consideration we have for the other person. Unfortunately, not all kind acts are created equal. You may have good intentions when asking for or lending money to a loved one, but it can quickly breed resentment and cause emotional strain.

A recent survey revealed that lending money to family members is a major source of conflict.

It’s a common occurrence to lend money to friends or family and never get paid back. For a small amount of money, it can be easy to brush it off, especially with the promise of “I’ll get you back next time.” It turns out, however, that many aren’t so willing to just let it go.

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According to the JG Wentworth survey, over 1,200 Americans were asked to share their experiences with borrowing money or lending it to those close to them. While helping out a friend or family member is seen as a kind gesture, over 75% of survey participants reported that they’re no longer as close as they used to be with those they lent money to.

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Not all those who borrow money are willing or able to pay it back.

When it comes to asking for money, being gifted cash is always best because there’s no expectation attached to it. To avoid the stress of repayment, 48.3% of respondents said they would first ask a family member with no expectations of paying the money back. This could be a parent (77.7%), sibling (75.8%), grandparent (75.7%), or other immediate family member who could provide some financial support.

That’s why financial educator Berna Anat told NPR she never loans money, she only gifts it. She explained, “If I’m giving money, I’m assuming it’s a gift. It’s not going to get paid back. So from my end, I know it’s money I’m willing to lose.”

Out of the participants who have already borrowed money from friends or family, over half (50.3%) admit that they think they will have problems paying them back. Though some said they have already partially repaid what they owe (46.9%), others are uncertain about whether they will be able to repay the full amount.

This makes sense. If you’re in dire financial straits, that situation isn’t going to remedy itself overnight. If you’re already living paycheck to paycheck or worse, beyond your means, what’s a payment plan to a loved one going to accomplish? That no-interest loan is going to be the first thing you default on.

Some would rather not get friends or family involved altogether. Rather than borrow from someone close to them, 45.5% of participants said they would prefer to take out a loan or use credit when they’re in need. You may get hit with high interest rates, but you’re protecting your relationships with those closest to you.

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Personal relationships can become complicated when money is involved.

Delayed payments, misunderstandings, and increasing debts can put a huge strain on relationships with friends and family. According to participants who have lent money to others, 54.5% claimed they’ve had to ask for repayment more than once, leading to uncomfortable conversations for both sides.

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Almost 50% said they gave the loan without having a clear repayment timeline in place, and were faced with the uncertainty of not knowing when or if they’ll ever get paid back. Fifty-four percent even had to forgive a debt just to save a relationship.

Over 46% reported that borrowing or lending money caused “serious arguments or conflicts,” while a surprising 71% said they’ve cut someone off or become estranged from them. While lending money to a friend or family member is a nice gesture, it can wind up being a major conflict if both parties aren’t in total agreement.

When push comes to shove, we should offer support to those closest to us, and the same goes for asking our loved ones for help. Perhaps, however, when it comes to financial instability, the greatest help could be in working together toward a goal that won’t result in a fractured relationship. If a loved one is unemployed, for example, help them find a job through your own contacts, or if you’re savvy with money and budgets, teach them how to better live within their means. 

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Kayla Asbach is a writer currently working on her bachelor’s degree at the University of Central Florida. She covers relationships, psychology, self-help, pop culture, and human interest topics.