Former Coronation Street actress Helen Flanagan has revealed the devastating mental health breakdown that saw her world completely "collapse."
"I'd got it into my head that one of my neighbours was trying to kill me," she writes in her new book Head & Heart. "I'd concocted this ludicrous story that he was a drug smuggler, working with my ex-fiancé, the former Manchester City, Chelsea andAston Villa footballer Scott Sinclair."
Helen reveals how her mind transformed into a "battlefield" of sinister intrusive thoughts, including a horrifying fantasy about hurling her baby daughter down the stairs of the six-bedroom home she had shared with Sinclair.
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These disturbing thoughts, she explained, "were vivid and often violent. It was brutal and relentless. I loved [my daughter] so much that I ached, and that's what made the thoughts all the more unbearable."
Helen explains that she endured a severe mental health crisis following the arrival of baby Matilda with Scott, confessing that many of the troubling thoughts that plagued her as a new mother "are far too disturbing to share publicly."
Helen reveals she had battled mental health issues even before landing her role on Coronation Street in 1999 as Rosie Webster, Kevin and Sally's daughter, when she was just nine years old. As Helen matured, Rosie's character became increasingly sexualised, attracting greater public scrutiny and heaping additional pressure on Helen.
But becoming a mother sent her anxiety spiralling to unprecedented levels: "Scott and I had been on cloud nine when our beautiful daughter Matilda was born, and I'd thrown myself headfirst into motherhood. I found joy in the simplest of things: pushing the pram around the streets, walks in the park, popping to the supermarket with Matilda in the baby carrier.
"I loved the fact that, after 13 years on Coronation Street and other TV shows, I was finally under the radar and out of the public eye. I was so happy with my little girl in my arms, doing normal, everyday things."
She reveals how completely normal concerns that every new mother experiences – such as whether her baby was putting on sufficient weight – escalated into an unhealthy fixation with cleanliness, even making a devastating confession about Matilda's father Scott. "I started to obsess about germs and didn't want other people touching Matilda in case they passed something on. I didn't trust anyone else with my baby," Helen admits, "sometimes not even Scott."
At times, she recalls, these thoughts would become so overwhelming that she would experience panic attacks. Gradually her worries transformed into even more disturbing thoughts: "Every time I went upstairs, I'd think I was going to chuck Matilda over the top of the banister, and I saw those images – of me letting go and watching her fall – flash through my mind as clear as day."
Another difficult period for her mental wellbeing came following the breakdown of her romance with world champion boxer David Haye, compounded by widespread speculation that she'd been involved in a "throuple" with Haye and his partner Sian Osborne.
Helen's first encounter with Haye occurred when they both starred in the 12th series of I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! back in November 2012. Despite his romantic advances at the time, she'd recently separated from Scott Sinclair and wasn't emotionally prepared for another relationship.
She recalls: "Mentally, I put David away in a little box marked 'Don't even go there'. And then, out of the blue, he got in touch. He'd seen some pictures of a fashion shoot I'd done for Ann Summers. 'Wow, you look so hot,' he said.
"I asked if he still had a girlfriend. He said he did, but that it was an open relationship. For me, that was a no-no – I would never do anything to hurt another girl."
However, going against her instincts, Helen did end up spending an evening with Haye, which led to him pressing her to meet both him and his model girlfriend at a boxing event: "The night of the fight, I wore a sexy corseted leather dress and headed to the arena. David was ringside with Sian and his daughter. After the fight Sian approached me and, honestly, she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen."
Helen firmly stated that a threesome wasn't something she'd consider and requested Haye take her home: "We went back to my hotel and spent the night together, but I felt terrible the next day."
Eventually, Helen chose to end the relationship, but claims Haye struggled to accept the rejection: "I don't think David is used to women saying no to him. He was seething.
'I expect perfection from you,' he said. 'Why are you speaking to me like this? Did you speak to Scott like this? No wonder he left you. You do not speak to me in this way.'
"I felt like I couldn't breathe," Helen said. "I couldn't equate the man who had been so kind, romantic and loving with the one who was so angry with me now."
The break up with Haye proved to be the breaking point that triggered a crisis which had been building for years: "Finishing with him was a bit like escaping a burning building – I'd made it out alive, but the toxic smoke lingered in my lungs.
"A breakdown was just around the corner. I was hurtling towards disaster – and there was nothing I could do about it."
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