It's likely that by the time you're reading this, you won't be reading this at all. Instead, in this very space, you could be enjoying a well-done column served with mushroom sauce by my jolly good fellow columnist Ruchir Joshi on how good the chateaubriand of Olympia Bar and Restaurant in Calcutta once was.
But with the laws of quantum physics not supplanting Newton's when dealing with the medium of print, it may well be that the column you have indeed ended up reading has become as redundant as buying Russian oil on the cheap. With Crystal Meth Don around, you never know.
Last night, just after I had refilled my drinking horn with another round of Saturday night mead (down to 10% duty since the EU-India FTA), Don may have, unbeknownst to me, changed his mind about the contents of the 'framework for an interim agreement regarding reciprocal and mutually beneficial trade' that was released by the White House early Saturday. By today morning, he may have jacked up the 18% tariff he brought down from 50% earlier - just because he can. But I'm hoping he went for another scenario that allows you to read this column without feeling cheated.
'Hey Jacuzzi!' - as he is said to call US Trade Representative Jamieson Greer, their Piyush Goyal - 'I know the Indians fell for it... bringing tariffs down from 50% to 18%. Let's now do what you lawyers do best., Jacuzzi!'
'Get the 'framework' finalised pronto?'
'Heck no, Jac - stall! That's what you lawyers do best. Keep that 'framework for an interim trade agreement' running, without anyone putting too much importance on the 'framework' and 'interim' bits.'
Last week, Modi had confirmed that the two amigos had talked, while Piyush Goel (our Jamieson Greer) confirmed - in a press conference, no less - that our Modi is bigger than their Modi. Glad that '18%' still holds - or having jumped off a parapet if it hasn't by Sunday morning - there is one thing that I have been looking around the proverbial room ever since Crystal Meth Don made his late Monday night announcement: how no one here has noticed that '18%' is still higher than 'below 10%'.
So why is everyone (except Naxals) going gaga about a deal that sounds suspiciously inspired by Bryan Adams' '18 Till I Die'? My imaginary Trump in his conversation to Jacuzzi is right to think of himself as a genius salesman. It's the old Diwali Dhamaka trick: bump up the price of a petticoat that costs ₹150 to ₹500 around August. Then hike it up again to ₹1,000 around September. Then, around mid-October, a month before Diwali, bring the price down to ₹350. The headlines the next day: 'India Forces Petticoat Prices Down!'
It's the oldest gag in the book: make things worse, then make them just a bit better, and everyone will go bat-shit crazy with joy! It's straight out of the old Soviet toolkit: lower expectations, heighten the joy.
Before Trump's initial 25% tariff hike in August 2025, the average US customs duty on most Indian imports was around 2.8-3%, averaging well under 10% overall. So, Monday's 18% - and removal by presidential fiat of 25% Russian oil purchase 'tax' he had imposed by presidential fiat - seems a win-win: the US keeps tariffs on Indian imported goods higher than what it was a year ago, and India gets to tell itself it's got a great deal. Like I do when I buy a third plate of kababs - just because there's an offer of ₹50 off if you spend ₹200 more - that no one ends up having.
As a chap who doesn't want his newspaper column to be caught off-guard, I hope that the 'framework for an interim trade agreement' holds, at least till tonight, and Crystal Meth Don didn't think last night at 2.45 a.m. IST that '18%' doesn't quite have the same Caesarean ring to it as '10%' or '60%'. Or, that GoI hasn't sent out a stinker late tonight about tariffs on US 'red sorghum for animal feed' imported by India being removed in the 'framework for an interim trade agreement'. Please don't watch this space.
But with the laws of quantum physics not supplanting Newton's when dealing with the medium of print, it may well be that the column you have indeed ended up reading has become as redundant as buying Russian oil on the cheap. With Crystal Meth Don around, you never know.
Last night, just after I had refilled my drinking horn with another round of Saturday night mead (down to 10% duty since the EU-India FTA), Don may have, unbeknownst to me, changed his mind about the contents of the 'framework for an interim agreement regarding reciprocal and mutually beneficial trade' that was released by the White House early Saturday. By today morning, he may have jacked up the 18% tariff he brought down from 50% earlier - just because he can. But I'm hoping he went for another scenario that allows you to read this column without feeling cheated.
'Hey Jacuzzi!' - as he is said to call US Trade Representative Jamieson Greer, their Piyush Goyal - 'I know the Indians fell for it... bringing tariffs down from 50% to 18%. Let's now do what you lawyers do best., Jacuzzi!'
'Get the 'framework' finalised pronto?'
'Heck no, Jac - stall! That's what you lawyers do best. Keep that 'framework for an interim trade agreement' running, without anyone putting too much importance on the 'framework' and 'interim' bits.'
Last week, Modi had confirmed that the two amigos had talked, while Piyush Goel (our Jamieson Greer) confirmed - in a press conference, no less - that our Modi is bigger than their Modi. Glad that '18%' still holds - or having jumped off a parapet if it hasn't by Sunday morning - there is one thing that I have been looking around the proverbial room ever since Crystal Meth Don made his late Monday night announcement: how no one here has noticed that '18%' is still higher than 'below 10%'.
So why is everyone (except Naxals) going gaga about a deal that sounds suspiciously inspired by Bryan Adams' '18 Till I Die'? My imaginary Trump in his conversation to Jacuzzi is right to think of himself as a genius salesman. It's the old Diwali Dhamaka trick: bump up the price of a petticoat that costs ₹150 to ₹500 around August. Then hike it up again to ₹1,000 around September. Then, around mid-October, a month before Diwali, bring the price down to ₹350. The headlines the next day: 'India Forces Petticoat Prices Down!'
It's the oldest gag in the book: make things worse, then make them just a bit better, and everyone will go bat-shit crazy with joy! It's straight out of the old Soviet toolkit: lower expectations, heighten the joy.
Before Trump's initial 25% tariff hike in August 2025, the average US customs duty on most Indian imports was around 2.8-3%, averaging well under 10% overall. So, Monday's 18% - and removal by presidential fiat of 25% Russian oil purchase 'tax' he had imposed by presidential fiat - seems a win-win: the US keeps tariffs on Indian imported goods higher than what it was a year ago, and India gets to tell itself it's got a great deal. Like I do when I buy a third plate of kababs - just because there's an offer of ₹50 off if you spend ₹200 more - that no one ends up having.
As a chap who doesn't want his newspaper column to be caught off-guard, I hope that the 'framework for an interim trade agreement' holds, at least till tonight, and Crystal Meth Don didn't think last night at 2.45 a.m. IST that '18%' doesn't quite have the same Caesarean ring to it as '10%' or '60%'. Or, that GoI hasn't sent out a stinker late tonight about tariffs on US 'red sorghum for animal feed' imported by India being removed in the 'framework for an interim trade agreement'. Please don't watch this space.
Indrajit Hazra
Editor, Views