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Being a parent is mentally and emotionally challenging, especially right after a baby is born. Mothers can easily fall into postpartum depression or face any number of health issues from giving birth.

One husband noticed this in his wife and posted on Reddit seeking advice on how to support her after the birth of their second child. He claimed he’s worried about her emotional well-being and doesn’t know what to do to help the woman he loves.

The husband was concerned when his wife said she sometimes wished she weren’t a mom.

He reported that hearing his wife express that desire broke his heart and instilled worry in him that his wife’s mental health was suffering. The man described his wife as “truly an amazing mom” who loves their two young kids “and would do anything for them.” He’s trying to support her as best he can, yet acknowledges how hard it is to do so.

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“She had bad postpartum depression after our first, and I fear that it is manifesting again in a different way, or at least she says it feels different,” the husband stated. He explained that she’s seeing a therapist, though he’s worried that “she doesn’t care enough about it to really explore what therapy can do.”

According to his point of view, his wife has a low self-image: “She hates herself and her body. She doesn’t think she’s a good mom and doesn’t think she’s a good wife.”

“No matter what I do or tell her, it seems like she’ll never see herself the way I see her,” he said. “I do my best to… love her the ways I know how, but I’m afraid she’s to the point where she’s the only one that can help herself.”

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Many moms have felt a similar wish to sometimes not be mothers.

“I’m a mom who feels that way a lot,” said one user who commented on the Reddit post. “For me, having kids and becoming a parent has more or less foreclosed the possibility of doing the things that used to bring me joy.”

The mom described the predicament she felt, explaining, “I love my kids and think they’re amazing beings, but I HATE parenting and being a mother (in the US, obviously).” The point she made seemed to ring true for other moms who posted in the comments — the sentiment of loving one’s children, yet resenting the role motherhood has placed them in.

In the U.S., there exists the idea that being a mother should encompass the entirety of a woman’s energy, focus, and identity. Yet at the same time, there’s a lack of built-in infrastructure that would provide practical support to moms, like affordable childcare, paid parental leave, and universal health care.

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It’s entirely possible — and valid — to love your kids, but not to love the overwhelming role of being a mom.

To become a parent is to experience the feeling of gaining so much while simultaneously losing so much. As the mom in the comments explained, she had a “pre-kid life” where she had way more autonomy than she has as a parent.

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That mom advised the concerned husband that “All you can do is be present, take as much of the load off as you can, and never blame her for how she’s feeling.” She even suggested that he attend therapy, himself, “because it can really take a toll to support a severely depressed partner.”

She emphasized that “making sure you are resourced to support yourself and your kids (and her) is important.” There’s so much stigma that surrounds moms who express dissatisfaction with their role. The reality is that nothing is perfect at all times.

Allowing moms to feel a wide, nuanced range of emotions can help validate them. There’s so much gray space in all relationships; feeling conflicted about motherhood is just one more entirely valid part of parenting.

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Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.