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Parents are always doing their best when it comes to raising their kids. That doesn’t mean they do everything right, however. Sometimes it can be hard to figure out whether the behaviors kids are exhibiting are beneficial or not. In fact, some behaviors that seem like positive personality traits can end up turning into weaknesses later in life, at least according to a counselor named Jaclyn. 

In a video posted to Instagram, Jaclyn explained that there’s one specific trait in kids that can be sweet when they’re young, but when they’re older, especially in their teenage years, it can actually be detrimental to how they interact with others and even how they’re able to form relationships.

Trying to cheer their parents up could affect kids negatively later in life.

“You love when they try to cheer you up when you’re having a hard day,” Jaclyn explained. “It feels so sweet at 5… I loved it too. Until I saw how it was impacting them as they got older… Here’s what it can turn into…”

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She explained that at five years old, kids might want to cheer their parents up by drawing them a picture or making them laugh, but at 15, that same need can lead to panic attacks when someone’s upset because they feel responsible for everyone’s emotions. Jaclyn also provided other examples, pointing out that at age 5, kids never complain when their parents get stressed, but at 15, they can’t advocate for their needs without feeling guilty for being selfish.

“Age 5: ‘So mature’ and ’emotionally wise beyond their years,'” Jaclyn continued. “Age 15: Chronic anxiety from carrying emotional weight that was never theirs. And then I started seeing it in clients… Kids coming in with anxiety, people-pleasing, perfectionism. And when I’d trace it back — it started with them trying to make their parents feel better when they were little.”

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Kids should never feel responsible for any adult’s emotions.

“We all think… ‘They’re so sweet. So empathetic.’ Actually? They’re working. Trying to regulate us,” Jaclyn added. “Here’s how to shift: When kids see you upset and try to help: Kid: ‘Don’t be sad, Mommy!’ Parent: ‘I’m having some grown-up feelings, but I’m handling them. This isn’t your job. Thank you for caring about me — that’s so sweet. But I’m okay. How are YOU doing?'”

Jaclyn insisted that parents should be processing their emotions with other adults, not with their kids. By doing this, kids will stop monitoring their parents’ emotional state. They’ll start coming to their parents for comfort rather than trying to give it. They end up becoming kids rather than little therapists.

Kids need to know that their parents’ emotions are not their responsibility. Licensed marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein explained that “emotional parentification,” which is described as a “chronic role reversal based on the parent’s inability to manage their own emotions and sufficiently care for their child,” has detrimental effects.

“Emotionally parentified kids learn that it is their job to grow up fast and swallow their own emotional and developmental needs to keep the peace at home and manage their parents,” Epstein continued. A study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that emotional parentification was associated with increased symptoms of anxiety and depression in kids.

While it can be easy to talk to your kids about what you might be going through because of the fact that you have a close relationship, it’s important to remember that they’re still kids at the end of the day. They shouldn’t be put in a position where they have to step up emotionally for their parents when it should be the other way around.

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Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.